Et tu, Ghost-Runner

An evolution of thought process

November 8, 2009 · 4 Comments

It happened so that the big daddy of all drunken jokes, a one Mr Bhatia saab and the author were having their usual strategic break (tea break at 11:00 AM) And of course surrounded by their bunch of other strategic group members (colleagues at office)

Mr.A : Yaar ! Jiska pyar hoga vo gaya (Dude! The guy who loves is a gone-case)

Me: Aur jiska shaadi hoga vo mar gaya (..and the guy who marries is a dead-case)

Bhatia saab: Aur Jiska pyaar hoke shaadi nahin huva vo amar hogaya

( .. and the one who loves and doesnt marry is an immortalized case)

————————

~touche’

→ 4 CommentsCategories: Ideas and thoughts · Mumbai
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The Marathe Syndrome

October 26, 2009 · 7 Comments

Foreword:

The author gives this peculiar thing this tag for he doesnt know what else to call it.

Prof. Lyn Chat of IIM-C psychoanalytical excellence fame would allude this whole state to the shadow concept. An inner subconscious state of oneself which stays away from one’s awareness.

.

Anyway … the introspective blah apart, here’s what happened …

The musings

The path from office at Prabhadevi (Mumbai) to Wadala East (Mumbai) is around 8 KM . Generally  it would be best to take a cab and get back home in a jiffy (well ..around 20-25 min actually! a relativistic “jiffy” , considering the a**-paining Mumbai traffic)

But then I chose to walk …walk back from office. Then  I wondered why I am doing it…

Fitness ?

Not at all! I do go to the gym, run et al, get my share of rationally recommended exercise.

So whats the point in dragging a tired work-beaten body across the polluted , over-crowded roads of Mumbai where every second passer-by makes it a point consciously or sub-consciously to make you think he’s going to spit his red paan on you…

Eye-candy ?

Yeah right ! The path goes via Dadar where you find super-fat aunties in super-fatter dresses wrestling away with the moving vehicles.

Mumbai streets would hardly match upto the Saturday night club areas of Europe, would they ? :P

Observe the many slums ..social worker style?

I do feel bad for the poor. I mourn their poverty amidst cruel civil disparity. In spite of a growing economy. And Mumbai is full of them. But I am no Mahatma. I confess that I don’t fancy walking along slums. Sadly,at that moment, my instinctive annoyance at the shabbiness of slums along the road and irritation of the stench overpowers any sense of mourning for the poor.

Frugally saving some bucks ?

Hmm ! I can surely afford a cab , pretty far away from bankruptcy at present :)

Then why …

The old, wise and slightly twisted English genius, Prof. Marathe, who taught us English when I was 17 , once said,

“Everything seems at least close to “fine” in life. Distant Memories  and unseen paranoia apart, you have no obvious/practical reason at the moment to feel worried. Its all in place But yet, you want to think , think of nothing per se, but think in a way a gloomy worry-laden man would be lost in thoughts.”

That is the Marathe Syndrome! A subtle episode in your cognition which is not exactly explainable by any level of determinism. But when one just prefers to walk because it increases one’s time to think, about nothing yet everything ….

———————————————————————————-

Dialogue of the day: (from the feature film, Kingdom of Heaven)

Balian of Ibelin: What is Jerusalem worth?
Saladin: Nothing.
[
walks away a good deal, then turns back and rolls his slightly raised hands in fists]
Saladin: Everything!


→ 7 CommentsCategories: Ideas and thoughts · Nostalgia · Philo
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Blue skies and seas

October 18, 2009 · 7 Comments

Blue! Arguably India’s most expensive Bollywood movie to date, is just another Kambhakt Ishq with action thrown in.  Tons of flamboyance, all the dude dom in the world, white-goatee sporting Akshay Kumar, obese Sanjay Dutt, stuttering Zayed Khan,  sleazy super-bimbo Lara Dutta, hyper-squeaking Rahul Dev and absolutely mediocre movie quality.

The plot

As far as the story is concerned its a treasure hunt and the reasons &  mysteries behind it.

The action

Most of the more expensive action sequences, adventure scenes are in no way related to the story line.

The characters

The first half dwells too much on the build up. For instance, Aarav aka Sarkar (Akshay Kumar) ’s lavish, flamboyant life style and his playboy image ( this trait of AK has been drained dry in almost all of his recent movies). Or Zayed Khan trying to do a fast and furious in his introduction.He does a decent  job but compared to the originals like Vin Diesel, he comes across as a a little, pansy, nipple-sucking infant! Then there’s a face-off inspired scene between Akshay Kumar and Sanjay Dutt where they are in a ‘friendly’ boxing match.

Lara Dutta is wasted in a role which just calls for her to wear a bikini and show off her figure.  Of course, going by the popular perception of her acting prowess, she wouldn’t be able to do anything else anyway.

Zayed Khan, Rahul Dev (who sounds like a super mutated squirrel in the movie), Katrina Kaif are just there ! I mean just there to create a false feeling  that the director is adding value to a useless story line.

The faux pas

Hmm…talking of Sanjay Dutt, that brings  the author to  be a little cruel …

  1. He looks like Lara Dutta’s grandfather. Had to prevent myself from puking when the supposedly titillating duet  between Lara Dutta and Sanjay Dutt came up.
  2. Fine ! There are older actors like Salman Khan too who prance around with pretty young things. But at  least, the likes of Salman Khan look like actions heroes with all those muscles et al. Sanjay Dutt looks like an old boob-job with a paunch too evident not to notice :( . Totally out of place for this movie.
  3. Look at the poster below … need someone explicitly explain why Sanjay Dutt is turning the other way??  To hide his paunch of course

Of course Sanjay Dutt’s acting is good any day. But an action pop-corn fare that relies more on the action sequences, with little scope for showing acting skills …. doesn’t exactly call for an old man (who looks too tired to even talk)  do super man stuff!

…..

Faux pas …geographic

According to the initial plot, the treasure was supposed to be shipped from UK to India.Thanks to a storm it gets lost in the Bahamas (the Carri bean) . Now ..now! How the heck did it get washed away to the other side of the world.

The shipping route from UK to India is across the Mediterranean which is thousands of miles away from the carribean, Well ! Just because the Bahamas make for a cool tourist location for film shooting ? Idiots!

x-x-x

All in all, go watch it if its being screened in an IMAX screen thats not too far away from home. And only if you just want a partial-kick experience at times of absolute fursat (boredom). But if you miss it, you wouldn’t really be missing something worthwhile.

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The MUMBAIkar saga Episode 7: Midnight Marine ‘Drive’

October 16, 2009 · 6 Comments

It was a night lived in the true spirit of randomness . To add some variety to the read , lets cut it down to 55-word fragments (like 55 fiction ) and then see all the individual episodes converge towards one common climax  ( viva la Tarantino  !!  )

Episode 1 : The work place (4:30 PM, Location: Prabha devi)

The boss had a couple of deliverables on me. And I had one hour. It was a Thursday, not even the weekend exactly. The intercom rang and RB yelled in it, “Midnight buffet ke liye chale ?!”

“F off motha f*****!  Khaam vaam nahin hain kya?”

Episode 2: The girl friend (8:30 PM, Location: cyberspace)

SM turned off the engine to his brand new Yamaha super bike. Finally he reached home. A state of blissful sleep awaited . He didn’t bloody care about anything else in the world. Then she called,

“You don’t love me anymore ! You didn’t call every 20 min today”

He took a puffed breath, “Because you stink even over the phone, c**t!” And he hung up, tired! Just tired !

Episode 3 : The workout (8:45 PM, Location: Wadala)

“Why don’t you work out in the mornings? Are you oiling your hair ? Are you coming for your cousin’s grandma’s sister’s grandson’s wedding next month in Anakapalli ” mom shouted over the blue tooth.

“Uh —- huh —- eh !” I retorted, too  miffed while doing the 4th push up , at the same time, adoring the fabulous derrière of the lady in the track suit.

A few moments later,  was walking back to the flat , too tired to talk or think ….

Episode 4: The marriage(8:45 pm , Location: Marine drive)

“Beta! Shaadi kar le ab” instructed RB’s dad over the phone.

“Arre ! I am working in Mumbai and she in Delhi! Let me first get posted to Delhi. Please think before you command , pitaji !”

“Usko maa baap ka phikar nahin hain :( he heard his mom wailing beside his dad.

“Qayamat aajayega kya !?!?” he said and hung up.

Episode 5: Co-incidence and providence (11:00 PM, Location: brains of three fellas)

RB was lying drunk at Not Just jazz by the bay“Shaadi shaadi shaadi !  Prob kya hain sab ki” he thought

SM woke up sweating thanks to a night mare where his just-dumped girlfriend castrated him.

I finished puking over the television screen because of something I don’t remember at all.

Then we called one another.

Episode 6: Marine ‘Drive’  (11:30 PM – 4:00 AM)

Let me drive , man! I told SM from the back seat as he super-biked from Wadala to Marine Drive (two different corners of Mumbai)

“Go get your bike , puke meister ” he yelled against the pace of the blowing wind.

RB started from the pub and had to walk 30.23 meters to the midnight buffet place. He was too drunk to win his race against his hallucinated snail

Finally, we reached, sat and ate …

Epilogue (Today morning…or rather sometime between morning and noon)

“Why are you so late to work? Don’t you know you have quite some work!” asked the three different reporting managers to three different fellows  ….

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The Zen master sez ….

September 27, 2009 · 8 Comments

Zen master:
To worry is to pay interest on damages that have never occurred.

Barney:Moron! Haven’t you ever heard of insurance ?

→ 8 CommentsCategories: Acads · Ideas and thoughts · Philo

The MUMBAIkar saga Episode 6: Cabs and buses

September 18, 2009 · 4 Comments

Amazon.com Widgets
Its cruel but is so part of life that you can just comfortably deny that it is something outworldly inhuman.

The author here is talking about the seemingly deep rooted jealousy of the bus drivers towards the cabbies.

The cabbies’ fare in Mumbai has gone through a hike recently, again. The cab drivers apparently earn more daily income.Because of this perception, you see bus drivers insanely honking their horns trying to psyche out cabbies. Also, they wouldn’t hesitate to slightly ram in the buses at the cabs from behind during traffic jams. Well! The author has no evidence, but its almost obvious to any third party witness.

A few moments ago, the author talked of higher income for the cab drivers. But it is not necessarily true. Think about it!

  1. The bus driver always gets passngers in his bus and the aggregate for a trip is roughly equal to a cab fare.
  2. Also, a cab driver has such a relatively lower possibility of getting passengers esp. in India where people are quite finicky about spending money when cheaper alternatives are available.
  3. And of course, the cabbie has to pay a lease fee to the cab owner or invest a big amont ino buying his own cab

So, life is not easy for them and it doesn’t make sense for the bus drivers to pick on the cab drivers just to satisfy their hurt egos in some way.If only some folks used their brains. :|

→ 4 CommentsCategories: Mumbai · society

The MUMBAIkar saga Episode 5: Of Operas and fat women

August 29, 2009 · 2 Comments

DISCLAIMER : This is not a misogynistic post. But it rather indicates a silver lining :P

Western Music Concert – Patricia Rozario
NCPA Tata TheatreMumbai

The previous Wednesday, the author goes to this Opera at the Tata theatre in NCPA. It made him wonder  why she was crying in the first place for so many hours. But well! The amused-mockery-urge got replaced by appreciation for her lung power that enabled all that high pitch singing she could pull off.

And so I came to a conclusion. Fat ladies who are all obese (well almost!) and filled with pure jelly-like cellulite have one benefit for their over-size. Probably their lungs have also grown to a big size owing to which their voice can reach such a high crescendo

Thus all the middle aged aunties need not worry about being over weight ,,,they can continue to stay like that and still earn respect. Just learn to perform opera

~touchwood


→ 2 CommentsCategories: Ideas and thoughts · Mumbai

Of Malaysia, cow-piss and mustard oil …

August 25, 2009 · 8 Comments

DISCLAIMER: The following mail sent by a French friend  , to the author, is strictly a set of individual view points meant for humourous reading. No offence to the Indians or the Malays or the Chinese or the cows … :)

And so this is what the French dude who was on holiday in Malaysia , wrote :

1) “I’m quite sad to leave Penang, this very cosmopolitan city where Indians and Chinese never stopped to compete during these 3 days to get the award of craziness

I have to admit that the 2 cultures are doing very good. Indians are good and well known for their Ganesha stickers, disgusting Gods’ statues and movie posters that makes you want to puke. But we went a step forward !

So we have bought cow piss (“housing department” if you look for it at Spencer’s). We asked the guy what it was supposed to be used for and he just answered “it’s good for the house”

But after further researches on the Internet, we found out on a very serious website that cow piss also cures ALL the diseases, from migraine to AIDS!


But don’t worry, this is not the only weird thing that you find in Indian supermarkets. You can also buy mustard oil for babies (… hum … when a baby has its butt that becomes irritated, what’s better than mustard oil?(plus some chili powder also)), beard dyes for crazy old Indians and, most important, product packaging so beautiful that you couldn’t find anywhere else, not even in Afghanistan.


But the chineses are also very good competitors. Not talking about drunken grandmas who pee in the street in the evening and who offer us drinks and spoilt meat, we also bought a lot of very kitsch and disgusting decoration items for the Chinese new year. So We found these musical plastic candles that sing traditional Chinese music… great success !


Finally, I would say that the Indians win when it comes to creativity but the Chineses remain the masters of kitsch garbage decoration items… My next flat is gonna be amazing !

;-)

2) « Another advantage of Malaysia that I haven’t mentioned yet is that it’s a very cosmopolitan country. Hence, you have the opportunity to discover the kitsch and bad taste of each community, and particularly the TV soaps. And I have to acknowledge that the Indians are the ABSOLUTE MASTERS of them (and God knows how mediocre the Chinese or Malaysien TV soaps are). Nobody can act that badly, even the French humorist in their mockeries are better actors.

Talking about bollywood songs-

“If only the Malaysian could listen to music of such a good quality ! Here, the local radio seems more like the meowing of a cat whose tale is stuck in a bread toaster. I try to develop an expertise to be able to say when a song ends and the new one starts but it’s really tough, they are so similar!”


… And that folks is a mail from someone from the developed part of the world!

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The MUMBAIkar saga Episode 4: Elephanta and the apian

August 13, 2009 · 4 Comments

Well Neither am I like, one of those boring old uncles, going to push myself to an avid description of the history of Elephanta island.

Nor am I going to bombard you with photos of ancient artistic sculptures, as if clicking those photos was equivalent in greatness to the chaps who actually created those sculptures.

I would simply present an incident which is almost stereotypical yet amusing at this place. (Elephanta islands , off the coast of Mumbai)

So there, I went to this place by a boat which was super slow and which shoke a lot. (During this queer little course I obviously, like all migraine-sufferers, worked myself into an almost  sea-imduced pukable-state )

When I finally arrived at the island, I found myself saved from the migraine and exhaustion by this nice lil’ ordinary bottle of maaza soft drink.

(Probably this kind of exaggerated messiah-status granting to a soft drink is a direct off-shoot of the uber hot Katrina Kaif endorsing this drink! WAIT !!! I think it was SLICE  and not Maaza which she was endorsing. But who cares ? Its all the same stuff anyway ..now back to the narration)

So yes! There I was, happily having those nice little sips, taking a glance at the bottle after every sip to see and feel blissful that some of it is still left. And then it happened.

As I listend to the guide about the story of the Elepahanta caves, of the way the sadistic Portugese soldiers usied the sculptures as targets for shooting practice , of the effort going into the magnificent monolithic stone-work, …..

,,,this happened ….

Something slipped out of my hand. I looked in that direction and I saw this monkey running away so fast yet so stealthily, with my maaza bottle. Not the slightest of violent behavior, not the slightest of invasion of private property. Yet simple and subtle hand work, like those ninjas in kids’ cartoons.

Couldn’t help but get amused at my little loss :)

drinking monkey

drinking monkey

ps : One of my friends brought along a juice+vodka mixture in his bottle. I am sure it would have been funny had the monkey stolen that one ;)

→ 4 CommentsCategories: Mumbai · Sports,Machismo,Gym,fitness et al

The MUMBAIkar saga – Episode 3: The Great Wadala Stride

August 4, 2009 · 5 Comments

They walked like men, bracing the fury of the wind, the sharp sting of the rain, the heaviness of their dripping formals, the uncertainty of their last fag’s lifetime in the face of the wet rain and the gothic excitement of facing the walk across rain-hit Wadala …..

This little incident happened on the 14th of June, the day (among many other such days) when  it rained rather heavily in Mumbai.

The water was knee high , troublesome enough for the cabbie to abandon good ol’  Mr.P and good ol’ Mr.B, colleagues and pals, near the slums  of Wadala.They were on their way back home.

Wadala is  an area towards the west of central Mumbai. This place, mind you all, is among the depressed areas in the city. So obviously there was water, filled with stench, accumulated from the overflowing drainage, the faeces of the slum dwellers et al. There P and B had, in front of their lost eyes, a river of shit

Their only outside chance to cross it was a narrow road divider that was almost submerged in the river of shit ! In the name of Odin (name taken for no obvious reason) , they had to pull off the tight rope-walking routine to cross the river of shit ….

P looked at B and said , “No shit macha !! We ain’t Harry Houdini are we ? “

B gave his usual twisted smile where  only the left side of his lips extends into a smiling posture while the right side doesn’t move a nanometer. It was a half-sided closed grimace which indicated he was about to say something sarcastic.

“Houdini is a m*****-f***** sissy!” He said and they laughed at it, like two thugs who were about to pull off a heist that would make Sean Connery’s Entrapment character , look like an amateur.

Just before they were about to get onto the divider, P again in his usual flashy way, raised his right hand to stroke his hair, “Oops!” he went, “I just realized I dont have my long hair anymore, macha !” This reminded his pal, B ,  of the days 3 years ago, in a distant past , when P grew long hair because he wanted to look like Jimi Hendrix. And B felt that P was a guy to stay away from, since he might potentially be gay. Ridiculous those thougths seemed to B now.

Now they were here, in Mumbai, working for the same company, living under the same roof,  going to the same gym and bored at an equal level with life itself.

Anyway, P pulled out his last fag from his sock, something that he was saving for contingencies such as these. In the usual Rajnikanth-inspired style, he started smoking his last drag. And then, they were set for the act …

They walked carefully shaking their hands now and then, to balance themselves. The proverbial last fag of P fell in the river of shit, but that didn’t deter the good ol’ rocker from his objective that moment. They continued to walk, puushing aside many a fat guy who dared to walk in the opposite direction.

By the time they crossed the end of the shit-river, their umbrellas were done for, thanks to the strong wind! But that didn’t discourage the duo. They grabbed a can of beer each, started sipping it (a totally illegal thing to do by the way , drinking and walking on a pedestrian path) and fought the wind that was strong enough to blow away any lesser mortal. The rain pierced their chests like broken glass. The Mumbai manholes were open everywhere, waiting for the passsers-by to get swalloed into their deep dark mouths. The thugs of the slums waited under their ragged-raincoats and hidden knives to attack tired pedestrians and rob them of their cash and courage. The storm clouds grew darker and heavier in the sky that was a homogenous dark blue. B and P walked on ….

x-x-x-x-

Three quarters of a century later, Uncle BKS , an old close friend  of theirs, was narrating this tiny little incident to his great grand kids.

“Did they survive ? ” asked the little son of his 12 th grandchild.

To this, Uncle BKS smiled.

The kids looked at the way he smiled a most peculiar smile. That which was a half-smile that spoke of sarcasm. They further remembered how he hides a last fag in his sock, just in case a cigarette shop is not available nearby.

Before they said anything, BKS smiled and said ..I see you have noticed!Yes! How would I get these habits if they didn’t survive that evening … :)

And so he remembered P & B, and how that day, ….

They walked like men, bracing the fury of the wind, the sharp sting of the rain, the heaviness of their dripping formals, the uncertainty of their last fag’s lifetime in the face of the wet rain and the gothic excitement of facing the walk across rain-hit Wadala …..

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