The Winds of Raiden

Do not ask me why I name this post so (I am sure there is someone out there thinking … The winds of RaIden ? What in the blue blazes is that ? Raiden passing wind ? Bloody bloke!)

Anyway so there are instances. No! Not just instances but whole fleeting hours! When I visualize me-self having Raiden’s powers (For those who do not still know Raiden, refer to this link https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raiden_(Mortal_Kombat) )

Aah so before I digress further, Raiden’s powers of wind lightning and thunder to just blow away , blast away, pulverize away the annoying irritants ! Which  I seem to encounter with alarming frequency in recent times. Which , well is such an a-monkey-obsessively-scratching-his-back  type irritant. Uh ! Doesn’t sound like a critical issue you say ? Well ..do read on anyway  ..

Chapter 1: Mind type

Yes! I am writing. I want to go all macho and say  “I care a rat’s a** about writing and sharing my thoughts…blah blah blah“. But that is not so. Because like the rest of all you good folks out there, no matter how much a mean bastard I think I am, I love my family  and my pals, or anyone of you who graces my blog 😉 ! And if one can either have a jolly good chuckle or a chest-thumping blood-boil at what I write , I am happy to be of service.

Perhaps what initially inspired me (and brought out the currently hyperbole-ing mean streak)  is this man and his autobiography.  The guv’nor is one major “#badass” .May he R.I.P ! (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lenny_McLean )

And oh the irritant! The current irritant is  because I believe the thinking-speed of the mind is faster than the speed of typing! (Unless you are “Superman” who is dumb and superhuman, hence a faster typer).

I wish I had some device which reads my thoughts and directly translates it onto the blog-editor. With of course, me having the edit-control of having to either shift between finger-typing and mind-typing. So that I can edit anything that might not want itself to be captured for public viewing (What! Dont give me the “Holier Than Thou”. I know all of your minds have stuff you don’t want out and prefer to keep inside!)

But alas! Why is no one creating this already ? Oi, Mr.Elon Musk  ?

Chapter 2: The dogs of Noida

There are (like in most Indian industrial cities) “societies” in Noida. You know …”condos” ! And since most of Noida along the Noida-Greater Noida Express highway is a barren land with….

1. the odd buffalo herd,
2. the less odd UP bhaiyya trying to ask your address and the price of your flat and how much jewelery/ cash  you have in your house
3. and the least odd Gujjar dude with a gun and  driving a sports car, 

….security is a big issue. Hence, staying here is like trapped in an island with other …err… islanders!

Now the issue with these islanders is that they are absolute zombies who got zombified  in the 80s. Meaning, their awareness has not got into post-liberalization or post-21st century or post-internet mode yet. I am talking about mentality and awareness of doing things optimally. I am not talking of their ability to hit “Likes” on Facebook or “swipe” on Tinder. Anyway, one of the most annoying examples is the way they rear dogs ! Now you see, getting a pet dog (or  any pet for that matter) is a responsibility. Like having a kid, nothing less!

And I see huskies! Yes, Huskies in 45 degree Celcius weather. These families methinks have to show off (Huskies in India means the owner is well off, very well off). But think of the dog, it suffers in any place where the temperature is above 13 degree Celcius! And you cant trap it in an AC room forever , it loves open spaces! Hence, its as if the reasons for banning the whole circus concept are back at a household level again.  The sodomized showboating sadistic poor-dog-exploiting scoundrels!

Then there are another set of dog-owners. Who have no idea that the pets have to be socialized from a young age with both humans and other pets alike. And considering most folks here have pets, it should in theory not be a  problem. But however, the aging paranoia of the conservative pre-liberalization Indian mindset is back.It is so “back” that most people here pull their dogs away hard from both humans and other dogs alike, as if its a blasphemy. And thus, that little dog grows upto be a big dog, who barks and attacks anyone who is not its master, human or  dog alike. This is so rampant around here that folks’ way of greeting another person with a pet is “Namaste ji! Katega tho nahin ? ” .  That is the precise moment when I want to say, “Yeh nahin katega! Main Katoonga bc!!!” 

Well! since natural instinct at least prevents the badly-conditioned dog from being overly aggressive with fully grown humans, it focuses all its mal-conditioned  aggression towards little kids and other dogs. Yes, the targets include well-behaved and well-trained dogs like my Lilou.

Hmm …hate to say it ! But come near my bacchhi and her Papa will have a fatherly duty of reminding the bad dog, the bad owner, etc. about another really big dog in the yard around Noida! A-f***ing-men!

 

Chapter 3: The Elektras

Well, I am a happily married chap who thinks the word “bitch” is the common noun attributed to his four legged little kid (For the blokes who read that wrong  … I am talking about my pet beagle, my little lilou!)

Anyway, perhaps this is what I think makes me make an objective assessment without getting distracted/ mesmerized by the well ..ahem! the whole Elektra thing! What ? Didn’t get it ? To the unconditioned male bugger who lives through a coolest-movies-are-from-comicbooks phase, this is Elektra …beautiful, sexy and seductive  superhuman character with a limitless fantasy-appeal.

 

Anyway, so about all the Elektras . A substantial number of beautiful, strong, well groomed , well spoken ladies who delusionally and proudly believe that they have the “darkest” , most “sinister”, even more “enigmatic” life stories .And because of this , they again delusionally believe they intimidate everyone. Well! A certain chap even said there is a term for them, “The Sigmas”. Hmm …

And hey! As twisted as it sounds, there are by definition Elektras among men too. Pardon me for the brutal honesty! Unfortunately, there are more  Elektras among the men :O How ? Many Indian men emulate their dads, especially with the chauvinistic and male-egocentric-insecurities  part 😐 You and your obsession with your dads! 😛 Read the definition now ..https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electra_complex

Anyhow!! If its “mysterious”, isn’t it supposed to be “entirely” mysterious ? And spare the good world the hint-dropping of their self-fabricated enigmas, just for the purpose of intimidating others. So goes the Elektra award to my former high school principal, to the several corporate ladies around NCR (to whomsoever its applicable only please), to the judgmental aunties in the societies of Noida, to the artsy ones who think engineers just add  and subtract digits 😐 and to the watchman in my condo for just being a wuss !

By the way, the mythical Elektra’s depiction is like this below . This person can definitely pass off for a guy too..hallelujah ! Up yours, you bad men !! And no credit to you, you bad women!!

One more time, yours truly,

The dark the fast and the fiery,

Ghost Runner

 

Sleeping on Jupiter – comments

Sleeping on Jupiter by Anuradha Roy

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I do not often read books such as this  But guess the title’s uniqueness was what caught my attention in the first place (apologies for the narrow mindedness, but I am fussy about what I read, this not necessarily based on visibility-driven literary auras). Anyway hardly spoilers below, so read on …

The author’s acumen to trigger powerful visuals through her descriptions is omnipresent throughout the novel.Also, the overall undercurrent of cracking down on hypocrisies in Indian society is my favorite element in this work. Being an iconoclast myself, loved it. Certainly not for the orthodox folks

Not recommended for the weak-tummied folks either. Some depictions of violence are ..well.. rather violent . There are elements where I felt like I was watching a Rob Zombie movie, only a tad less crude and with a bit more panache, but targeting an equivalent degree of gore (or is that the author successfully triggering worst case imaginations in me ?!?! Well !!)

The most striking thing is the specific focus on child and women abuse. The blood boils at this episodes. Period. Nothing more to say. There are times when my latent schizoprenia (hadn’t known I had that side till I read this book, kudos to the author for triggering such a degree of visualization in the minds of a reader !) drove me to reach out for the antagonist Godman’s throat and rip his inhuman life out of his scumbag of an existence! (Shall refrain from saying anything else to avoid spoilers)

The ending is a tad disappointing though. Felt that it could have been much better in is terms of creating something witty or unexpected.

View all my reviews

Rains of Fire (Brighthelmstone chronicles part 2)

<<Circa  January 2014>>

The Southern English sea winds create an extreme disparity that tests the bodily adaptation of a person. Especially when you run, generate a body heat and the sweat gets blown away  in the wind almost immediately creating a chill that would give you …well,  an extremely brittle sensation.

Climate is in the range of 5 to 10 degrees Celsius but the sea winds hits sub zero and with high speeds enough to make a not-so-heavy person fly along with the gale

Well ! Getting to the point.  When you try running by the beach of Brighton in such weather the body needs to rapidly shift between the heat generated by the intensity of the workout,  the 5 to 10 degree C temperature and the fluctuating sub zero winds. Not really a pleasant phsiological task. You pretty much freeze after running hard from the Brighton pier to Shoreham-by-the-sea and back.  (an overall distance of perhaps 12 miles/ 19.3 kilometres)

Then,  I came back to the hotel room from this fitness-obsessed misadventure. Almost immediately dropped my clothes and rushed into the hot shower (to get some relief from the apparent frostbite) . Relief I did get! Or perhaps it was some kind of over-relief. Where the weight of the temperature-fluctuation due to scalding water on the freezing body created not relief, but a “Rain of fire” .

It was a very unique feeling, since I had almost gone numb in the body, I could only feel a burning sensation minus the pain. Slowly , I felt pain (indicating the parts were getting less numb) and then releif at the gradual bodily temperature adjustment. Very much like a reverse prcess of Tempering

 

Brighthelmstone chronicles

Preface

It is pretty damp to see how a pattern oriented work life changes the way you look, prioritize and do things

For instance, my blogging which has over the years been a pride of mine (not that I got an award or monetary reward for the content in it, but speaking more from a posterity/ cherishing memories’ and thoughts’ point of view) Not that I had no stuff to write oF. I did. But just that I postponed the documenting (notice how I instinctively use “documenting” and not “writing” … work-lingo by-product! Phew ! ) Or alternatively, just thought of it as a pastime that is nice to have, but can be back-seated in the shadow of better things to do! (Not that I have really done anything better though .. )

Anyway sorry for digressing like an aimless dilettante. The idea here is to talk about my Business trip to Brighton in the United Kingdom (UK)

Brighthelmstone

If the wonderful ‘reader’ (this can be anyone or just me in the distant future … hmm I am thinking Donnie Darko ish stuff now! Before I digress again, I will park that thought and get back to Brighton) put in so much dedicated effort 😛 to actually look it up, you would know that the ancient name of this touristic city is “Brighthelmstone” which I guess, justifies the title, haha ! I just find this name more conducive to sometimes-megalomanics like myself ! (Dont blame me for this! Grew up on RajniKanth )

I have been here for quite some time

I have been here before in September and October but owing to the same reason as mentioned in the Preface above, I didn’t muster enough enthusiasm to document this (Oh no! Not “Document” again ) . Also, owing to the whole micro-blogging revolution, my updates have been going very well with Twitter and Facebook, but just not with the self-fulfilling openness of writing in your own blog

Weather

It can get cold here.The Southern English climate is, as anyone might have already guessed, unpredictable. When it rains during a climatic temperature of 3 degree Celcius , it feels like “icicles shot at your face with a machine gun” (Ok! This catchphrase is now officially my most often-used metaphor this month!)

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I was a person who kept complaining about the heat in India and was not used to temperatures less than 16 degree Celcius (Hyderabadi winter! Yes! Thats all it goes down to) Living here for a brief period has given me a life-long enlightening feeling about seeing the Sun. So when there is Sun here this time of the year, the feeling is of relief, pure and pristine. But of course it does not last long and folks go back to weather-induced-depressive-moods again.

But then of course, humankind has always found means to fight negative mindsets. The highly tentaive depressive mood is perhaps what drives people here to “get a life” rather than give in to “hibernating under your blankets and eating lots of cheese” . People make it a point to socialize more and also do more sport. Party and Get exercise! Now thats what I am talking about … (now by exercise, I dont mean “go all Arnold”, even walking on a Sunday instead of taking a taxi is exercise by my book)

London

Now talking of weather reminds me of one thing …

my ordeal on November 10th

! I wanted to go catch the Manchester-Arsenal match ( Dont be impressed! I didnt get tickets, plan was to see it with a friend of mine in a sports bar near London Bridge ) But then North-bound trains from Brighton to London were down due to bad weather . Boy ! Was I peeved …

Anyway, I have been to London in October though. Thanks to these two (Akshay and Manasi) I had a fantastic time. God bless them!

Hey did I say God ! Its a coincidence ( would not like calling it Providence ) that I saw the fantastic movie “Rush” in England (considering its got a British central character … played by Chris Hemsworth ..yeah! Thor goes F1-driving!)

The book

Talking of providence reminds me of this book

In times like these ( read, all outdoor plans failing due to bad weather …yes! the November 10th ordeal again ! ) , I have been reading this book. The book obviously champions atheism . As tempted to speak of it as I am now, I will save this for another day. Hmm.. do I hear the faithful taking out their chain-saws to judge that post? 🙂 Yes yes ! The time will come …

Food

Now lets talk of food ..not unlike the rest of England, there is the famous “fish and chips” which I somehow am not a big fan of

I did try it once but was not particularly thrilled about it. Its just fried fish and a bad version of quickly fried potato. Perhaps its notoriety comes from the fact that it is warm fried food that can be instantly made. A sort of quick-fix and filling solution to a hungry stomach in cold English weather ..hmm … fair enough !

Talking of food takes me back to the November 10th ordeal. I had to compensate myself for the frustration of missing hanging out with pals because of no trains due to rains. I got myself a mammoth treat to please myself. Well ! At least one good thing is that you can get everything in a TESCO store from canned alcohol to quick-fix-takeaway food (yes even hot food) By the way, unless you do some sort of responsible recreational calorie burning, do not try this level of junk-snacking at home 😛

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(to be continued … )

Skyfall: the review

Bond is back for the 50th time on celluloid.

The plot

The plot is already out due to the non-uniform releasing of the movie across the world… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skyfall

Bond is  human …

Daniel Craig’s James Bond  shows transitions to “being  human”   (Salman Khan would be grinning with pride at this!) . All the way from the death of the woman he loves  in Casino Royale (2006)  to the death of Judi Dench’s M  in in the current one, Skyfall.   

Not to mention a tad more escapism of Bond, depicting him to be taking a vacation after being presumed dead and trying to live life like a normal person (for a while of course, before he decides to start saving asses,err .. I mean, arses !)

There are further teeny weeny anecdotes like infinitesimally subtle humour, sometimes even at Bond’s expense.

One more personal touch is the climax where the final battle happens in Scotland  at Bond’s family estate called Skyfall  ! There ..the title has been explicitly justified …

The title

No! Pardon the author’s skyfalling attempts at comedy. The whole title the author guesses, is based on the theme of agents going rouge! So the ‘skyfall’ here is referring to the realistic depiction of traumatized agents getting back at their organization (in this case, MI6)

Current bond vs the rest

Skyfall is a  more realistic depiction of the trials and tribulations of her majesty’s secret service,  as compared to the more super-hero like James Bond portrayed by Pierce Brosnan who keeps saving the planet from incredibly “out of the world” schemes! (That said doesn’t take away anything from Brosnan’s  Bond who , in spite of digressing away from the original characterization of Ian Fleming‘s spy, is still perhaps the most popular Bond   and the most stylish bond )

In a private screening of the movie, Roger Moore (who was also Bond) said that the best Bond was Sean Connery, but Skyfall might change that. Check out the interview here

But yes! It needs to be said that bringing the whole James Bond franchise to the Skyfall type of story telling does make it shift away from the recently seen Bond-ness . But it also makes it like any other  “non-JamesBond spy movie” 😦

But despite that, perhaps, the brand-power of James Bond (the character, not Daniel Craig) will end up scoring above other standalone spy movies! Hmm …

Bardem: romantic to psychotic

The villain is Mr.Silver , former agent turned madman,  who is back to wreck havoc on MI-6 agents and kill the MI6 boss M (Judi Dench), who he believes betrayed him. Fabulously played by Javier Bardem, with his metro-sexual  portrayal of the bad guy.

For many of you who might not know, Bardem is a popular Spanish hero who is married to the awesome Penelope Cruz. He often gets to romance different hot ladies on screen (as seen in Vicky Cristina Barcelona)  . Anyway took a while for me to finally realize it was him in Skyfall , what with all the blonde wig and effeminate crazy-man acting !

Changing the boss

Judi Dench the original M looks old, probably is retiring from movies. The  whole I am the madame I am the boss  aura about her made legendary in Goldeneye, Tomorrow never dies, etc seemed to have faded a bit.

Anyway, it gives a Ralph Fiennes fan immense delight when the latter  becomes the new M at the end of Skyfall ! Honestly, the director Sam Mendes keeping his role to a minimum, 3 scenes and a few dialogues to be precise, is a good thing. Why ? Because , there are people in this world who believe RF can steal the thunder even from Daniel Craig if the former gets too much airtime 😉

The Bond girl …

Berenice Marlohe is the Bond girl who is perhaps just there to keep the whole casanova  image of bond alive.Beyond that, she had a role which is useless compared to the previous Bond girls (they were somehow part of a story, this current bond girl’s character is relatively not!)

But well ..on second thoughts, maybe not! When the villain Mr.Silver (Bardem) kills her, there is no evidence of sorrow on Bond’s face (considering he has had a night full of romance in a boat with her the previous night before she is shot). From this little observation, we can certainly say there is an attempt to depict Bond as becoming more and more thick skinned  !

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All in all , its a good movie.

Some might even predict that this is the Bond movie that is capable of winning major awards for acting. Nope..unless filming standards fall globally, not too sure about that prediction!

But nonetheless, definitely a good entertainer of a movie.

Theory of Indian RELATIVE-ity : #1

Disclaimer: Hypotheses in the following post have neither been verified nor quantified.

#Naukri Axiom MMXII-X: “The Theory of Indian RELATIVE-ity  “

Boy : Uncle ji ! I got job in Hyderabad/ Bangalore
Boy’s uncle : Abey useless fellow ! Money u spent on IT course vaapas kitne saal baad milega …

(fast forward x yrs)
Boy: Uncle ji ! I got job in Calcutta
Uncle: Abey useless fellow ! Communist banjayega tho khaane keliye sirf laal janda bachega

(fast forward x more yrs)
Boy : Uncle ji ! I got job in Mumbai
Uncle: Abey useless fellow ! Insurance agent bangaya kya ? Lekin tera apna insurance premium bhar paayega ?

x-x

(fast forward some more years) Boy : Uncle ji! Getting married

Uncle : Abey useless fellow! Teri to …

Boy: Wait! Girl’s dad is rich ,,,

Uncle: Waah mere bhaanje ! Mujhe hamesha pata tha tu sabse useful hain ! Dahej kitna mila ?

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PIC OF THE DAY

Ra.One Review : You burn Raavan so many times because you can’t kill him

First day first show of Ra.One . Thank my lucky temporal cosmologies that it released during the Diwali holidays

Purpose of such expensive movies

I now believe in a certain theory about a direct correlation between mega budgets and positioning a visual treat as the foremost USP of a film.

The most expensive Indian movie made to date (surpassing the budget of the previous topper, Enthiran) gives what such a mega-budgetory extravaganza promises …. a visual treat which in itself is a thing of awe for the average Indian movie-goer. ( Talk about the Indian success of Enthiran or Avatar, for example)

Anyway nothing wrong in it. How else do you justify , what else can you possibly contrive with super budgets other than have tons and tons of special & digital effects 🙂

One important conceptual point  😉

G-One (the good digital guy played by SRK)  and Ra-One (the bad digital guy played by Arjun Rampal …yes! Ra.One is Rampal , not SRK as some gullible chaps might be strutting around thinking!!!) are digital manifestations made of optical fibres or electromagnetic rays coalesced into tangible manifestations of energy; whatever! I don’t really know ! But mind you ! They are not robots or any sort of mechanical beings made of metal…

The plot

Ra.One = Major plot from Terminator 2: Judgement day  + Hero powers & special effects of Iron Man + Villain’s creation-idea from Virtuosity

Bien sur!  The whole virtual man protecting the kid  idea is straight out of Terminator 2.

The HART concept about a high-technology core that resembles a human heart embedded  into both G-One and Ra-One,  is a direct lift-off from Iron Man. The whole optical fibre shit from where the AI filled gaming characters come out into the real world , is Virtuosity…

The special appearances and gimmicks

The kid’s dream featuring  Priyanka Chopra and Sanjay Dutt (as Khal Nayak) in the opening scene . And even the three imaginary Chinese ladies called Uski -Lee (lol ! ) , Teri-Lee (Rofl !)  and Sabki Lee (Lmao!)! All these are there only for the whole SRK-Ego-trip phenomenon which we are getting to see more and more these days  (For a similar observation, watch the Don2 trailer with the slogan, The king is back 😉 )

Well ! Well ! But me being a fan and all , I wouldn’t really crib too much about it . The gimmickry in question was actually pretty visually breathtaking (SRK fighting Khal Nayak ((Sanjay Dutt)) with the latter rapid firing punch-dialogues that would make your laughter nerves itch )

Action -sequences

They were good very good. For an Indian movie, the effort and soul put into the action sequences and related effects is quite visible.Sometimes you might wonder what’s the point ?  But this is an action flick and thats how action flicks around the world are ….

The real Ra.one stands up

Arjun Rampal is amazing as the villainish Ra.One with his whole voice, his physique and sense of random alacrity. He was good ! Perhaps they should have given him a little more air-time rather than focus on G-one’s  goofy doofy humor  in the second half.

Chammak Challo

I don’t need to analyze this 🙂 But I had to mention it 😉

My verdict

Here are some more reviews to look at… TOI, imdb, rediff, DC

As for me, I like it ..not as much I would like a brilliant movie, but the way I would like a popcorn-fare!  Though the concepts have all been borrowed , re-hashed and jumbled up from Holly wood sci-fi movies, the execution of the movie shows the effort and the heart put into the movie. And for that , my appreciation! Anyway, whatever the SRK-bashers might be tempted to say, nothing is going to stop the movie from becoming a profitable venture (for all we know, it probably had already recovered its money from distribution sales even before the movie’s release)

The trilogy of Demetrios Askiates

The Mosaic of Shadows by Tom Harper

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

My first story-laced book centred around the crusades. And boy! What a start 🙂

Light hotheadedness apart, the book gives what you would least expect when you start reading it, and that is a suspense thriller set against the backdrop of the first crusade. So the surprise element , the novelty of the concept and the racy tempo add to a gripping story-line. It is also curiosity-inductively new for one who knows less about the history of the crusades.

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Knights of the Cross by Tom Harper

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This is more political than its predecessor and the follower. The author tries to squeeze in a mystery sub plot into the main plot but somehow, the flow doesn’t come as naturally as it did in the first part (‘mosaic of shadows’)

Apart from that, its the most stand-alone book in the trilogy if one reads only this and avoids the other two.

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Siege of Heaven by Tom Harper

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

A very high and rich depiction of the trilogy’s end. Lacks the mystery of the first part (mosaic of shadows) and the political aura of teh second (knights of the cross). But does make up for it by adapting a straight in-your-face narrative overtone of the final seige of teh holy city.

The theme involved is more military than political or suspense in the third part. Lags a bit towards the end but picks up pace again towards teh gory climax. An interesting read and one that adds variety to the diverse overtone of the trilogy.

View all my reviews

Karan Bajaj ..covered !!

Adding to my book-reading marathons are the works of Karan Bajaj. For information on the author and the plots of his two books , look at good ol’ Wiki http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karan_Bajaj

Anyway so here below are the reviews of his two books, both of them National best sellers
 
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Keep off the Grass by Karan Bajaj
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

The thinking man’s chetan bhagat is what some call the author. I totally agree.

Definitely more hard-thought-inducing than Chetan Bhagat and for me, certainly more entertaining.Some anecdotes in the movie, ‘3 idiots’ (at least the more ‘filmy’ parts) seem to be taken from this one rather than Chetan Bhagat’s ‘five point someone’. But well! Thats just my opinion.

Anyway, a darker , a mroe satirical take on elite campus life as compared to many other contemporary,similar and concomitant works by ivy-bschool-league Indian authors. Worth a try though some parts are too ambiguous/ridiculous to be taken at face-value to be reality.(The last reason is the only factor influencing a rating-drop from a potential 4 pointer to a 3 pointer)

View all my reviews

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Johnny Gone Down by Karan Bajaj
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

A good book … relatively a better narrative than ‘Keep off the Grass’ (the author’s previous book) which is a decent book in itself (at least compared to Chetan Bhagat’s run-of-the-mill no brainers which are more in the genre of *masala adventures for dummies** )

Follows the adventures of an American ivy league grad to different parts of the world of South East Asia to Latin America. Throw in monkhood, artificial limbs, Brazilian models and bad-ass gangsters to make a heterogenous but attractive concoction that is an amusing narrative of the age-old formula, yet novel in style.

View all my reviews
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The Teacher’s day Rhapsody

FOREWORD: Extracts from a fictitious letter to a non-fictitious P.T teacher (Instructor- Physical education) whose non-fictitious story has been blown up to semi-fictitious extravaganza

STATUTORY WARNING: Neither for the faint hearted nor the rigidly moral

x-x-x-x-x–x-x-x-x

Dear ‘My fav P.T.Teacher’,

Hello sir! In case you are wondering who this little chump (as you used to call your victims, I mean, students) is …I was your student from Niraj Public School, Ameerpet, Hyderabad in 1999 J

You have always been the eccentric one among all my teachers. You took great pleasure in making us kneel down for not doing jumping jacks properly. And how would the then thunder thighed, mammoth waisted, sumo bellied, chubby little me gain the stamina or the buoyancy to do a jumping jack, that too with jumping! My wonderful ma (God bless her! She was my real teacher, unlike some of the power-hungry, kid-torturing, flattery-loving, wannabe-capitalistic fuck-ups & losers who masquerade as teachers in wealthy private schools) used to make me delicious pesarattu for breakfast every Friday, the same day of the week which started off with your sadistic P.T.session! Sadly, after your P.T.sessions, I always ended up puking the slimy sickly mutilated mutated version of a once delicious pesarattu. Often have I harbored the fear that I would die asphyxiated in my own vomit, ala Led Zeppelin’s John Bonham

I mean, I had no problem with the constructive intentions behind PT. sessions, but it is not cool to megalomaniacally metamorphosize them into your own fat boy victimizing, bum-whacking, under-the-hot-sun-kneel-down-punishmenting episode of grandomaniacal torture.  I have a theory that perhaps, in your later years, after you left our school, you became a Catholic priest, joined the Vatican pedophile community and the rest is history. So what you could not do at our school owing to India being a conservative country that is protective of kids, you finally did abroad in a romantic place like Rome!!

Aaah ! That gets me to the point . You didn’t leave our school but got thrown out of it 😀 And  I am sure you often wondered why ! It was ME ! It was ME..the then thunder thighed, mammoth waisted, sumo bellied, chubby little ME! Muhahaha! Now the truth is out. Let me tell you what I did during the teacher’s day of 1999.

As you might be remembering, high school students dressed up like teachers to take classes for the primary and middle school kids on Teacher’s day at school . I dressed like you, stuck a fake moustache similar to yours, walked like you and talked like you! Then I went to the nearest 4^th grade class room and scared the hell out of the kids. I took a couple of  finger-sucking-after-nose-picking-after-ass-fingering    brats and fist-hammered the mud-eating-filthy-toothed-hell   out of them. And then I disappeared for the day.

The next day, their parents as you might remember, complained! You were screwed then.  Because the finger-sucking-after-nose-picking-after-ass-fingering   brats whom I fist-hammered the mud-eating-filthy-toothed-hell   out of, said that the senior was imitating your mannerisms. So the principle forgot about that episode and looked at the bigger and more threatening possibility of “your violent influence” on the high school teenage students. Oh! The day you were thrown out, I must have bakery-partied enough to add at least an inch each on my then thunder thighs, sumo-belly and mammoth waist J

That was the day I first felt like a boy finally on track to becoming a man ready to fend for himself. I for the first time believed that I was capable of innovative strategy 😉 Thank you for being the root-cause.

For that, I am gifting you with the truth behind your expulsion. No one but me knew this because I was quite low-profile at school. No one ever suspected me. In case you are reading this, you by now realized who I am. You are possibly working yourself up into a pissed-off state. To catch me and whack the monkey-crap out of me would be your next dream so to speak of possibilities.

But … you should understand that I did shed some kilos and pack a tad bit of appreciative muscle in the last 12 years. And did manage to learn a bit of taekwondo, karate, muay-thai   and  Ji-jitsu to name a few.  So it would probably not be a good idea to fight me in your now senile years 😉

Thank you once again,

Yours truly,

The dark, the fast, the fiery, the one and only,

~Ghost Runner