Tag Archives: adventure

The Teacher’s day Rhapsody

FOREWORD: Extracts from a fictitious letter to a non-fictitious P.T teacher (Instructor- Physical education) whose non-fictitious story has been blown up to semi-fictitious extravaganza

STATUTORY WARNING: Neither for the faint hearted nor the rigidly moral

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Dear ‘My fav P.T.Teacher’,

Hello sir! In case you are wondering who this little chump (as you used to call your victims, I mean, students) is …I was your student from Niraj Public School, Ameerpet, Hyderabad in 1999 J

You have always been the eccentric one among all my teachers. You took great pleasure in making us kneel down for not doing jumping jacks properly. And how would the then thunder thighed, mammoth waisted, sumo bellied, chubby little me gain the stamina or the buoyancy to do a jumping jack, that too with jumping! My wonderful ma (God bless her! She was my real teacher, unlike some of the power-hungry, kid-torturing, flattery-loving, wannabe-capitalistic fuck-ups & losers who masquerade as teachers in wealthy private schools) used to make me delicious pesarattu for breakfast every Friday, the same day of the week which started off with your sadistic P.T.session! Sadly, after your P.T.sessions, I always ended up puking the slimy sickly mutilated mutated version of a once delicious pesarattu. Often have I harbored the fear that I would die asphyxiated in my own vomit, ala Led Zeppelin’s John Bonham

I mean, I had no problem with the constructive intentions behind PT. sessions, but it is not cool to megalomaniacally metamorphosize them into your own fat boy victimizing, bum-whacking, under-the-hot-sun-kneel-down-punishmenting episode of grandomaniacal torture.  I have a theory that perhaps, in your later years, after you left our school, you became a Catholic priest, joined the Vatican pedophile community and the rest is history. So what you could not do at our school owing to India being a conservative country that is protective of kids, you finally did abroad in a romantic place like Rome!!

Aaah ! That gets me to the point . You didn’t leave our school but got thrown out of it 😀 And  I am sure you often wondered why ! It was ME ! It was ME..the then thunder thighed, mammoth waisted, sumo bellied, chubby little ME! Muhahaha! Now the truth is out. Let me tell you what I did during the teacher’s day of 1999.

As you might be remembering, high school students dressed up like teachers to take classes for the primary and middle school kids on Teacher’s day at school . I dressed like you, stuck a fake moustache similar to yours, walked like you and talked like you! Then I went to the nearest 4th grade class room and scared the hell out of the kids. I took a couple of  finger-sucking-after-nose-picking-after-ass-fingering    brats and fist-hammered the mud-eating-filthy-toothed-hell   out of them. And then I disappeared for the day.

The next day, their parents as you might remember, complained! You were screwed then.  Because the finger-sucking-after-nose-picking-after-ass-fingering   brats whom I fist-hammered the mud-eating-filthy-toothed-hell   out of, said that the senior was imitating your mannerisms. So the principle forgot about that episode and looked at the bigger and more threatening possibility of “your violent influence” on the high school teenage students. Oh! The day you were thrown out, I must have bakery-partied enough to add at least an inch each on my then thunder thighs, sumo-belly and mammoth waist J

That was the day I first felt like a boy finally on track to becoming a man ready to fend for himself. I for the first time believed that I was capable of innovative strategy 😉 Thank you for being the root-cause.

For that, I am gifting you with the truth behind your expulsion. No one but me knew this because I was quite low-profile at school. No one ever suspected me. In case you are reading this, you by now realized who I am. You are possibly working yourself up into a pissed-off state. To catch me and whack the monkey-crap out of me would be your next dream so to speak of possibilities.

But … you should understand that I did shed some kilos and pack a tad bit of appreciative muscle in the last 12 years. And did manage to learn a bit of taekwondo, karate, muay-thai   and  Ji-jitsu to name a few.  So it would probably not be a good idea to fight me in your now senile years 😉

Thank you once again,

Yours truly,

The dark, the fast, the fiery, the one and only,

~Ghost Runner

Blue skies and seas

Blue! Arguably India’s most expensive Bollywood movie to date, is just another Kambhakt Ishq with action thrown in.  Tons of flamboyance, all the dude dom in the world, white-goatee sporting Akshay Kumar, obese Sanjay Dutt, stuttering Zayed Khan,  sleazy super-bimbo Lara Dutta, hyper-squeaking Rahul Dev and absolutely mediocre movie quality.

The plot

As far as the story is concerned its a treasure hunt and the reasons &  mysteries behind it.

The action

Most of the more expensive action sequences, adventure scenes are in no way related to the story line.

The characters

The first half dwells too much on the build up. For instance, Aarav aka Sarkar (Akshay Kumar) ‘s lavish, flamboyant life style and his playboy image ( this trait of AK has been drained dry in almost all of his recent movies). Or Zayed Khan trying to do a fast and furious in his introduction.He does a decent  job but compared to the originals like Vin Diesel, he comes across as a a little, pansy, nipple-sucking infant! Then there’s a face-off inspired scene between Akshay Kumar and Sanjay Dutt where they are in a ‘friendly’ boxing match.

Lara Dutta is wasted in a role which just calls for her to wear a bikini and show off her figure.  Of course, going by the popular perception of her acting prowess, she wouldn’t be able to do anything else anyway.

Zayed Khan, Rahul Dev (who sounds like a super mutated squirrel in the movie), Katrina Kaif are just there ! I mean just there to create a false feeling  that the director is adding value to a useless story line.

The faux pas

Hmm…talking of Sanjay Dutt, that brings  the author to  be a little cruel …

  1. He looks like Lara Dutta’s grandfather. Had to prevent myself from puking when the supposedly titillating duet  between Lara Dutta and Sanjay Dutt came up.
  2. Fine ! There are older actors like Salman Khan too who prance around with pretty young things. But at  least, the likes of Salman Khan look like actions heroes with all those muscles et al. Sanjay Dutt looks like an old boob-job with a paunch too evident not to notice 😦 . Totally out of place for this movie.
  3. Look at the poster below … need someone explicitly explain why Sanjay Dutt is turning the other way??  To hide his paunch of course

Of course Sanjay Dutt’s acting is good any day. But an action pop-corn fare that relies more on the action sequences, with little scope for showing acting skills …. doesn’t exactly call for an old man (who looks too tired to even talk)  do super man stuff!

…..

Faux pas …geographic

According to the initial plot, the treasure was supposed to be shipped from UK to India.Thanks to a storm it gets lost in the Bahamas (the Carri bean) . Now ..now! How the heck did it get washed away to the other side of the world.

The shipping route from UK to India is across the Mediterranean which is thousands of miles away from the carribean, Well ! Just because the Bahamas make for a cool tourist location for film shooting ? Idiots!

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All in all, go watch it if its being screened in an IMAX screen thats not too far away from home. And only if you just want a partial-kick experience at times of absolute fursat (boredom). But if you miss it, you wouldn’t really be missing something worthwhile.