Tag Archives: joke

The Winds of Raiden

Do not ask me why I name this post so (I am sure there is someone out there thinking … The winds of RaIden ? What in the blue blazes is that ? Raiden passing wind ? Bloody bloke!)

Anyway so there are instances. No! Not just instances but whole fleeting hours! When I visualize me-self having Raiden’s powers (For those who do not still know Raiden, refer to this link https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raiden_(Mortal_Kombat) )

Aah so before I digress further, Raiden’s powers of wind lightning and thunder to just blow away , blast away, pulverize away the annoying irritants ! Which  I seem to encounter with alarming frequency in recent times. Which , well is such an a-monkey-obsessively-scratching-his-back  type irritant. Uh ! Doesn’t sound like a critical issue you say ? Well ..do read on anyway  ..

Chapter 1: Mind type

Yes! I am writing. I want to go all macho and say  “I care a rat’s a** about writing and sharing my thoughts…blah blah blah“. But that is not so. Because like the rest of all you good folks out there, no matter how much a mean bastard I think I am, I love my family  and my pals, or anyone of you who graces my blog 😉 ! And if one can either have a jolly good chuckle or a chest-thumping blood-boil at what I write , I am happy to be of service.

Perhaps what initially inspired me (and brought out the currently hyperbole-ing mean streak)  is this man and his autobiography.  The guv’nor is one major “#badass” .May he R.I.P ! (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lenny_McLean )

And oh the irritant! The current irritant is  because I believe the thinking-speed of the mind is faster than the speed of typing! (Unless you are “Superman” who is dumb and superhuman, hence a faster typer).

I wish I had some device which reads my thoughts and directly translates it onto the blog-editor. With of course, me having the edit-control of having to either shift between finger-typing and mind-typing. So that I can edit anything that might not want itself to be captured for public viewing (What! Dont give me the “Holier Than Thou”. I know all of your minds have stuff you don’t want out and prefer to keep inside!)

But alas! Why is no one creating this already ? Oi, Mr.Elon Musk  ?

Chapter 2: The dogs of Noida

There are (like in most Indian industrial cities) “societies” in Noida. You know …”condos” ! And since most of Noida along the Noida-Greater Noida Express highway is a barren land with….

  1. the odd buffalo herd,
  2. the less odd UP bhaiyya trying to ask your address and the price of your flat and how much jewelery/ cash  you have in your house
  3. and the least odd Gujjar dude with a gun and  driving a sports car, 

….security is a big issue. Hence, staying here is like trapped in an island with other …err… islanders!

Now the issue with these islanders is that they are absolute zombies who got zombified  in the 80s. Meaning, their awareness has not got into post-liberalization or post-21st century or post-internet mode yet. I am talking about mentality and awareness of doing things optimally. I am not talking of their ability to hit “Likes” on Facebook or “swipe” on Tinder. Anyway, one of the most annoying examples is the way they rear dogs ! Now you see, getting a pet dog (or  any pet for that matter) is a responsibility. Like having a kid, nothing less!

And I see huskies! Yes, Huskies in 45 degree Celcius weather. These families methinks have to show off (Huskies in India means the owner is well off, very well off). But think of the dog, it suffers in any place where the temperature is above 13 degree Celcius! And you cant trap it in an AC room forever , it loves open spaces! Hence, its as if the reasons for banning the whole circus concept are back at a household level again.  The sodomized showboating sadistic poor-dog-exploiting scoundrels!

Then there are another set of dog-owners. Who have no idea that the pets have to be socialized from a young age with both humans and other pets alike. And considering most folks here have pets, it should in theory not be a  problem. But however, the aging paranoia of the conservative pre-liberalization Indian mindset is back.It is so “back” that most people here pull their dogs away hard from both humans and other dogs alike, as if its a blasphemy. And thus, that little dog grows upto be a big dog, who barks and attacks anyone who is not its master, human or  dog alike. This is so rampant around here that folks’ way of greeting another person with a pet is “Namaste ji! Katega tho nahin ? ” .  That is the precise moment when I want to say, “Yeh nahin katega! Main Katoonga bc!!!” 

Well! since natural instinct at least prevents the badly-conditioned dog from being overly aggressive with fully grown humans, it focuses all its mal-conditioned  aggression towards little kids and other dogs. Yes, the targets include well-behaved and well-trained dogs like my Lilou.

Hmm …hate to say it ! But come near my bacchhi and her Papa will have a fatherly duty of reminding the bad dog, the bad owner, etc. about another really big dog in the yard around Noida! A-f***ing-men!

 

Chapter 3: The Elektras

Well, I am a happily married chap who thinks the word “bitch” is the common noun attributed to his four legged little kid (For the blokes who read that wrong  … I am talking about my pet beagle, my little lilou!)

Anyway, perhaps this is what I think makes me make an objective assessment without getting distracted/ mesmerized by the well ..ahem! the whole Elektra thing! What ? Didn’t get it ? To the unconditioned male bugger who lives through a coolest-movies-are-from-comicbooks phase, this is Elektra …beautiful, sexy and seductive  superhuman character with a limitless fantasy-appeal.

 

Anyway, so about all the Elektras . A substantial number of beautiful, strong, well groomed , well spoken ladies who delusionally and proudly believe that they have the “darkest” , most “sinister”, even more “enigmatic” life stories .And because of this , they again delusionally believe they intimidate everyone. Well! A certain chap even said there is a term for them, “The Sigmas”. Hmm …

And hey! As twisted as it sounds, there are by definition Elektras among men too. Pardon me for the brutal honesty! Unfortunately, there are more  Elektras among the men :O How ? Many Indian men emulate their dads, especially with the chauvinistic and male-egocentric-insecurities  part 😐 You and your obsession with your dads! 😛 Read the definition now ..https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electra_complex

Anyhow!! If its “mysterious”, isn’t it supposed to be “entirely” mysterious ? And spare the good world the hint-dropping of their self-fabricated enigmas, just for the purpose of intimidating others. So goes the Elektra award to my former high school principal, to the several corporate ladies around NCR (to whomsoever its applicable only please), to the judgmental aunties in the societies of Noida, to the artsy ones who think engineers just add  and subtract digits 😐 and to the watchman in my condo for just being a wuss !

By the way, the mythical Elektra’s depiction is like this below . This person can definitely pass off for a guy too..hallelujah ! Up yours, you bad men !! And no credit to you, you bad women!!

One more time, yours truly,

The dark the fast and the fiery,

Ghost Runner

 

Theory of Indian RELATIVE-ity : #1

Disclaimer: Hypotheses in the following post have neither been verified nor quantified.

#Naukri Axiom MMXII-X: “The Theory of Indian RELATIVE-ity  “

Boy : Uncle ji ! I got job in Hyderabad/ Bangalore
Boy’s uncle : Abey useless fellow ! Money u spent on IT course vaapas kitne saal baad milega …

(fast forward x yrs)
Boy: Uncle ji ! I got job in Calcutta
Uncle: Abey useless fellow ! Communist banjayega tho khaane keliye sirf laal janda bachega

(fast forward x more yrs)
Boy : Uncle ji ! I got job in Mumbai
Uncle: Abey useless fellow ! Insurance agent bangaya kya ? Lekin tera apna insurance premium bhar paayega ?

x-x

(fast forward some more years) Boy : Uncle ji! Getting married

Uncle : Abey useless fellow! Teri to …

Boy: Wait! Girl’s dad is rich ,,,

Uncle: Waah mere bhaanje ! Mujhe hamesha pata tha tu sabse useful hain ! Dahej kitna mila ?

PIC OF THE DAY

The Teacher’s day Rhapsody

FOREWORD: Extracts from a fictitious letter to a non-fictitious P.T teacher (Instructor- Physical education) whose non-fictitious story has been blown up to semi-fictitious extravaganza

STATUTORY WARNING: Neither for the faint hearted nor the rigidly moral

x-x-x-x-x–x-x-x-x

Dear ‘My fav P.T.Teacher’,

Hello sir! In case you are wondering who this little chump (as you used to call your victims, I mean, students) is …I was your student from Niraj Public School, Ameerpet, Hyderabad in 1999 J

You have always been the eccentric one among all my teachers. You took great pleasure in making us kneel down for not doing jumping jacks properly. And how would the then thunder thighed, mammoth waisted, sumo bellied, chubby little me gain the stamina or the buoyancy to do a jumping jack, that too with jumping! My wonderful ma (God bless her! She was my real teacher, unlike some of the power-hungry, kid-torturing, flattery-loving, wannabe-capitalistic fuck-ups & losers who masquerade as teachers in wealthy private schools) used to make me delicious pesarattu for breakfast every Friday, the same day of the week which started off with your sadistic P.T.session! Sadly, after your P.T.sessions, I always ended up puking the slimy sickly mutilated mutated version of a once delicious pesarattu. Often have I harbored the fear that I would die asphyxiated in my own vomit, ala Led Zeppelin’s John Bonham

I mean, I had no problem with the constructive intentions behind PT. sessions, but it is not cool to megalomaniacally metamorphosize them into your own fat boy victimizing, bum-whacking, under-the-hot-sun-kneel-down-punishmenting episode of grandomaniacal torture.  I have a theory that perhaps, in your later years, after you left our school, you became a Catholic priest, joined the Vatican pedophile community and the rest is history. So what you could not do at our school owing to India being a conservative country that is protective of kids, you finally did abroad in a romantic place like Rome!!

Aaah ! That gets me to the point . You didn’t leave our school but got thrown out of it 😀 And  I am sure you often wondered why ! It was ME ! It was ME..the then thunder thighed, mammoth waisted, sumo bellied, chubby little ME! Muhahaha! Now the truth is out. Let me tell you what I did during the teacher’s day of 1999.

As you might be remembering, high school students dressed up like teachers to take classes for the primary and middle school kids on Teacher’s day at school . I dressed like you, stuck a fake moustache similar to yours, walked like you and talked like you! Then I went to the nearest 4th grade class room and scared the hell out of the kids. I took a couple of  finger-sucking-after-nose-picking-after-ass-fingering    brats and fist-hammered the mud-eating-filthy-toothed-hell   out of them. And then I disappeared for the day.

The next day, their parents as you might remember, complained! You were screwed then.  Because the finger-sucking-after-nose-picking-after-ass-fingering   brats whom I fist-hammered the mud-eating-filthy-toothed-hell   out of, said that the senior was imitating your mannerisms. So the principle forgot about that episode and looked at the bigger and more threatening possibility of “your violent influence” on the high school teenage students. Oh! The day you were thrown out, I must have bakery-partied enough to add at least an inch each on my then thunder thighs, sumo-belly and mammoth waist J

That was the day I first felt like a boy finally on track to becoming a man ready to fend for himself. I for the first time believed that I was capable of innovative strategy 😉 Thank you for being the root-cause.

For that, I am gifting you with the truth behind your expulsion. No one but me knew this because I was quite low-profile at school. No one ever suspected me. In case you are reading this, you by now realized who I am. You are possibly working yourself up into a pissed-off state. To catch me and whack the monkey-crap out of me would be your next dream so to speak of possibilities.

But … you should understand that I did shed some kilos and pack a tad bit of appreciative muscle in the last 12 years. And did manage to learn a bit of taekwondo, karate, muay-thai   and  Ji-jitsu to name a few.  So it would probably not be a good idea to fight me in your now senile years 😉

Thank you once again,

Yours truly,

The dark, the fast, the fiery, the one and only,

~Ghost Runner

Third front intervention – Why the IIMC-XL sports tourneys are jingoistic

DISCLAIMER:

Whatever is being written is light hearted by the most serious of any blogging rules. By no means is it to be taken seriously , unless of course, one unfortunately suffers from the most retarded versions of a disease called the ass-brain-same-position-uptightness-syndrome

THE FOUNDATION:

While thinking between how RPFs work in the banking sector and how the Ude Garami can be varied with respect to the combat position ,I was struck with an idea that was totally uncorrelated with either.

This evolution of thought , where you are seriously thinking of concluding a pondering process between two mutually exclusive thoughts, and yet conclude on something else totally devoid of any connection to either; I have no puta of an idea what such an idea should rightfully  be called. For now, I will casually call it  the third front intervening-nugget :p

THE THIRD FRONT INTERVENING NUGGET:

Ever wondered why the IIM Calcutta and XLRI annual sports tournaments are so aggressive and jingoistic ? Stupid question. I am sure you all have your answers. So do I. The stuff that doles out like ‘tournament’s competitive nature, warm blooded warring-spirit, machivellian sportiness, et al’ ! Usually, I think so too. Yet, for the dilletantish sake, I have an another (additive but not exclusive) theory…

You see this good friend of mine , always made a thought provoking…err..thought that at some point in life, perhaps for a second or perhaps for longer, everyone thinks like a communist. The egalatarian idealism perhaps appeals to a young mind who yearns to see some equality in their frame of observance.Pute ete ? Anyway, totally granted …lets park that thought for a while !

Now you see in IIM Calcutta the gender ratio has always been sad , not so for good ol’ XLRI. So, when a sports contingent from Joka (IIM Calcutta campus) goes to XLRI for a sports festival, the boys are naturally expected to be in their good boyish, prince charmingish behavior . Who knows if the Gods will it and the XL brothers are not so bothered, the Jokaites might even score 😛 This is where the communistic-correlation kicks in …

Not everyone would score. By the laws of gender dynamics and the Uncertainity principle, not necessarily! If a few do and others don’t , the remaining might feel bad, sad and not at all glad. So to make the comrades be equal, an ancient IIMC-XL culture had been invented to prevent the ladies’ stud of Joka from succeeding.

THE SOLUTION:

That of jingoistic , Indo-Pak level sports rivalry where IIMC  and XLRI are the collective personifications of two rivals, and no niceties in between please. Hence, the comrade who wanted to score, should not, because he is part of a contingent that is only following tradition, open sports-rivalry and perhaps, closet marxistic distribution of unscoring! Get it ? 😉

Yours truly,

the dark, the fast and the only,

-Ghost Runner

The one on irony, clapping and ‘happy’ness

FOREWORD: A true story ….

It was a boring session on a boring Wednesday afternoon at school for the 9 yr old in 5th grade / 5th standard .

The kid looked up at the wall clock in the classroom. It was almost time for the growth period (or GP in short). It was his favourite period. He hardly played sports, being a tad weaker physically than the other kids (He would, in later years take to the gym ,but thats a different story 😉 ) . He found the academic sessions, the pottery classes, the drawing period, the music classes very much sleep-inducing. Since he found them all obligations thrown at him  exactly when he was not in the mood for them.

But the GP was the good one. He had basically nothing to do but just  random things which were quite different every week.

That time around, there was this weird guru coming in as a guest and the topic was ‘exercises of happiness‘. Since it was an external special guest, the headmistress would be there too along with the class teacher.

So it started. The guru started singing …

If you are happy and you know it clap your hands …

(everyone claps twice in rythm)

If you are happy and you know it clap your hands ….

(everyone claps twice in rythm again)

if you are happy and you know it and you really want to join, if you are happy and you know it clap your hands

(the claps get louder)

The kid was enjoying it! Just one difference from the rest. The random dual-clapping reminded him of what hijras in India  do as a trademark act.Mind you! He never had anything of a derogatory opinion about the hijras, but he just found that particular GP exercise ridiculously funny.

So everytime the other kids clapped, he just  laughed his a** off . Just because it was funny.

After the GP, he was called to the principal’s office . What followed was the principal thrashing his  a** off for laughing his a** off !

To this day I wonder! In that clapping moment, the 9 year old ( who you might have guessed was yours truly)  was actually happier  laughing than the other kids clapping …

Well ! A complete objective mismatch from the principal and headmistress’ side! Such was the irony that day 😦

😛

The MUMBAIkar saga Episde 8: October Octogenarian

There is this  80-something beggar I bump into everyday as I leave for work. A crude old man with a pretty distinctively long beard Often reminded me of Gandalf when Gandlaf was still Gandalf the Grey)

Anyway, days pass without me ever batting an eyelid or turning to him to give him the alms he asked for everyday . Until the previous day, when at the behest of a particularly good mood,  I stopped and ransacked my bag for some paltry change. Following 2 excruciating minutes of frantic rupee-coin searching, I handed him a rupee. Something, (I thought), that would be treated like the holy grail

But he looked at the coin, looked back at me and said

Abey behenc***d! Itne din ke baad sirf ek rupai ? Isse tho vada pav bhi nahin milega mujhe

(Translation: Sistah-f***er !! After all these days , just a rupee? I wont even get vada pav with this !! )

I kept staring and he walked away …..

The curious case of the Blackberry B****

DISCLAIMER: A post in good honest jest. Though the author maintains that any resemblance to real life characters is purely intentional 😛 . Co incidential resemblances to the below description might feel bad and angry , but all it shall lead to in your amazingly stupid heads is what an Indian would call *dhimaag kharab* 🙂 God bless you!

Blackberry B**** (BB): the definition

Defined as the lady who has a blackberry thanks to her incredibly rich/hard working daddy or an adoring/caring boy friend. These specimen have an incredibly ridiculous propensity to get so warm, cuddly and sticky with their blackberry devices, that would put even a gadget loving geek to shame. The twist !? Well … its just a show piece for them, they have hardly any idea how to use it.  🙂

Example 1: Scene   – Party at the ghostrunner`s place

So the author invites his friends home over a weekend and they get along some of their friends too. Who in turn get their friends of friends . So all good and sundry.

But then turns up this little lady who must hardly be in her twenties, .  the one that belongs to the notorious class of proverbial mumbai bimbos

Yup she had a black berry. She just can`t get the names of 90 percent of the apps in the device.

BB: You know my device was given to me by daddy. Oooh I love my daddy! It has so many applications

Me:  Your daddy or the blackberry ?

BB: Whaaat ?

Me: No no  … I meant, thats nice! What apps does it have ? 🙂

BB: oooh naah ! You know I mean …  duh ! Err you know  … My daddy is soo coool. Its the latest blackberry model you know. Yeah ! All my friends just have a nokia which I think is not cool you know.

(The blackberry makes a sound )Hey I got a message  on my black berry … yipeee ! Oh its just an ad. Shucks … I thought it was one of my friends you now … btw my backberry is so cool …I like it more than my teddy …uh huh …

Me: oh ! What of the apps!  I am sure the time table manager is a lot of help and you can also go over to ovi store with the wi-fi on your phone. Then you can download almost anything. That must be pretty cool right. Not to mention the amazing compatibility any app has with the blackberry.

BB: Oh yeah …all that too .. but the important thing is my black berry is so cool and it looks so cool. Not many have a black berry in India you know … and my daddy is so cool …. thanks to my daddy I have a black berry …yipeee !!

Me: Let me see it . I can show you the wonderful / entertaining / constructive stuff you can use it for. You can also log onto  this site

(I write it down http://na.blackberry.com/eng/developers/appworld/faq.jsp )

And you can see how well it can be a very nice multipurpose device.

BB: Oh yeah yeah ! All that yes ! But you don`t get the point you know … I mean you really don`t get the point that is important . Let me put it this way … the point is that …. hey !!! Why are you going off to sleep ! Yes you are … you are yawning …. you are disrespecting me and my important point about the black berry …. x(

Me: Oh sorry !  Please go ahead …

BB/ The point is you know … well …its just that my blackberry is so cool and its classy and its you know …the point is  …. ( her phone rings again) Hey ! Its another messgae on my black berry …yipee !!!

(Its another ad) Well ! The point is you know what I said …thats the point … heehehe

Me: But whaaat is the point lady ?

BB: Hey you know what ? Got to go …its getting late … I am surprised you dont know anything about it …well I will explain it to you later on the phone  …. no not on the phone  …on my black berry  … hehehe …yipeee ! 😀 Bye

x_x_x_x

End of conversation. I got nothing out of what she said about the black berry.

Example 2: Scene : Gold Gym in bandra

Rich neighbour aunty at the gym: Hey Harish. So how was your party ?

Me: Guess what! I talked to this amusingly stupid black berry b**** !

Lady: Oh yes! Dont tell me; I know that breed …. it is hard to imagine that they are so ridiculous  … they don`t know anything about the black berry;Yet these bimbos just flaunt it like they would flaunt an expensive Chanel hand bag.

Me: Well ! I see you are acquainted with this species :p

Lady: Oh yes they are so superficial and annoying. On the other hand, check out my new iphone 4! Its so cool you know …duh err …I mean its soo cool …and the important point is  …

Me : Oh no ! Please …..

_______ Ghost Runner __________

A tribute to all BBs

I dont have brains

I don`t know shit

But I am the black berry b****

oh yeah ! I am the black berry b****

I see all the ads

and shout so high

I dont know apps

but I know they exist

I know its got eee mail

but i cant set it up

I say its cool

But i am such a fool

I  am the blackberry b****

Oh yeah ! I am the black berry b****

I dont have brains

I don`t know shit

I am the  blqckberry b****

Oh yeah! I am the blackberry b****